This is my update.

I've been nagged almost daily now for a blog update. And seriously, I'm sorry. Something happened over winter break that really put me in a dead zone. I guess I delayed long enough. I might as well get it over with.

Usually, I can write down my thoughts and express them in such a way where I can let the readers feel what I feel. I don't know if I want to this time. There are so many things that I want to say, there's so many emotions that I want to pour into one point just about it, but I can't. It hurts me. I have to pause right now thinking about it, before I can even continue.

I thought I would be old and stuck in some dead end job before I'd ever experience what happened. I wish it were true, but it's not. It has to be done though, so let's just throw it out there.

My friend Mina's mom passed away. I won't go into details, because I don't want to, but that's what happened. When I first found out, I couldn't move. I just sat there, brain empty. My fingers were numb, my legs were useless. I stopped playing video games. Let me say that again. I stopped playing video games.

A couple minutes later, I broke down in tears. I kept saying to myself, alright, just stop, it's not going to help, but I couldn't, I was stuck in a crying loop. In the back of my mind I thought this is how much it's hurting me, and it's not even my own mom, it's someone elses mom. How does Mina feel? My chest fell straight to the ground after that, my heart hurt with every beat. I have to pause again.

This is the post I wanted to avoid, the reason why I couldn't update. Of course, there's so many other things I could have written about, but how do I just ignore one of the most tragic events in my friend's life? We're so close, we're all family. Her pain is mine.

It was an experience I'll never forget when we all got together that night. To see the different ways that everyone dealt with the situation, it was really something. Some people were like me, who just sat there numb. I couldn't look at Mina directly, but I couldn't look away either. This was the face of absolute sorrow. Don't look away. Remember. Don't let her deal with it herself. Remember. Share in her pain. Remember. I have to pause again.

Then there were the others, who dealt with it by acting like it didn't happen. I didn't hate them for it, I understood what they were doing. They were trying to help by getting her to put the sorrow aside for a moment, like morphine or tynenol. Just forget it for now, deal with it later. I guess it worked though, she was smiling a little. Conversations broke out on all the good times, all the good memories, about all the good people surrounding her that day.

Around Mina's house, there were framed pictures of her mother placed neatly on corner tables, hung on walls, and in the hallways. They were taken to preserve a memory, but now they were all memories of a wonderful loving mother who left all too early.

I didn't know Mina's mom that well, I only met her a handful of occassions when I stopped by the house to pick her up, or when we met there before heading out to somewhere else. I honestly don't have much to say, and I can only speak for myself on the situation.

Of course, it's Mina who I sympathize with, I can't even begin to say I understand what she feels. But knowing how I feel then and now, all I can do it gauge it... and it must be hundreds and thousands of times worst.

I hope that everyone I know won't have to experience this again for at least another fifty years. Maybe sixty. I can only hope.

Because it really sucks.