I found out today (just a few moments ago) that I cannot deal with death at all. It wasn't anyone close to me.. it was just a co-worker from another department's family member. But death, I think, is my weakness (cuz we know all heroes have one weakness). I can handle any situation. I can talk/think/fight through any situation... but when confronted with the idea of death (comforting an acquantence's lost family, etc) I just go blank. I've never really had to deal with the situation except for two times. Both times were considered family, and I did grieve tremendously... but... I never was able to help the others in that situation. I usually just remained silent and stayed with the others. And my grieving.. it wasn't crying or anything... it was just a stone cold feeling of absolutely nothing. I was just fridged.

I don't want to believe what i'm about to say... but it was almost like I was apathetic of the situation. Yes, it's true, i did grieve, and I knew I would miss them, but it was all logical grieving, if that makes any sense (ie: they are gone, i won't be able to talk to them again, man, that sucks). But, i feel like the sorrow was in my mind and not in my feelings, in my heart. I refuse, though, to believe I cannot feel pain and anguish on those situations... to not be able to shed a tear for the fallen... but... maybe I just accepted death at a young age to be a part of life? I have no idea. It doesn't make any sense, since I have never experienced a close and personal death (and i hope I do not for a long time.) I just know that I still fear death.. for it to come after me and after those who are closer to me then the ones who were already taken.

I cannot even fathom how I would react if someone close to me were to be taken. It's one of those thoughts that I shake from my mind whenever it comes. I fear those thoughts as much as I fear the actual event.

I am not ready.