So life is a meaningless struggle of trying to find your way to the top. But unfortunately, it's not like a ladder... it's more like a wavering mountain trail that meanders about and slowly makes it's way up. Of course, the path forks and some parts will lead you back down without you even noticing it. And then, there are those blasted incomplete paths and uncrossable rivers.

So where am I right now? I'd have to say a ravine. I can see across. I can see my way up. I know that all i have to do is get over there. It's plausable to find a way over with a little effort, a little luck, and alot of contemplation. But it's a definate risk, because if I miss, I could fall in and plummet back to the base of the mountain, bruised and hurt, possibly even, battered beyond recognition.

And then, i'd be down on life again, which is not what i want. I've worked so hard to be where i am right now and in this mindset. I've had my share of twists and turns, of impossible venues, and of tripping and stubbling about. I've fallen hard, it's not a problem. But will I do it again?

So i'll take a few steps back... take a deep breath... and decide if i should find another way over... or just take that leap of faith.

Too much drama in my life. But the weird thing is... none of it concerned *my* life. It's just all around me, a swirling vortex/black hole kind of deal. I just get sucked into it and just can't get out.

Can't get into much detail, because i still believe people's lives are their own. So i'll just do the usual.

Here is the summary ¿MyStiFieD? as always:

Girl problems with guys (not with me).
Girls are dumb.
Girls don't know what they want.
Guys with problems finding direction in their life.
Guys are bums.
Guys don't plan ahead until it's too late.
People who lead tragic lives.
People always think they're down
People don't think of the ups and exits to get back on their feet.

I'm sure you or someone you know can relate to what i said, as vague as it may be.

Why?

I keep asking myself that.

Why do i let myself worry about other people so much?
Why do i let it sting me so, when i know something is wrong?
Why does NOBODY LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TELL THEM WHAT'S RIGHT???
Why do i feel so helpless?
Why can't I just live my life knowing that others will never be helped.
Why can no one help me?
Why do i think my way is better then anyone elses?
Why can't i be the puppeteer and not another puppet?
Why am i possessed by emotions of caring and nurturing... protecting and helping?
Why can't I be selfish?
Why do others affect me so?
Why am i here?
Why don't you care?
Why will I see the same mistakes, over and over?
Why won't it all just end?

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY!!!

All I ever wanted to do during my internship was these few things:

Wake up.
Go to work.
Come back from work.
Play video games.
Chat online and mess around.
Accomplish *something* (insert random something.. for example... web page... movie... wash my car... do my exercises.. whatever)
Somewhere in the day, eat two or three meals.
Go to sleep.

Sounds simple right?
Well, it's NOT, damn it!

The pure fact that work takes up my time from 7 am to 5 pm is a horrible horribleness that I can't stop.
When I get home, I NEED a video game fix. I say that's another 2-3 hours. Having dinner with the rents is another 30 minutes or so.. and after dinner relaxing.. so we'll make that an hour. Then I have to do *something*... like yesterday it was going out to see a movie...

Then I got home at 11. Sleep? psha. I wish.
I also need to chat online.. email.. blah blah.. So that's another 2 hours.

So apparently... i'm not getting enough sleep... and there is definately not enough time in the day for me. Something must be sacrificed.... or else.. i'm just going to start sleeping at work.

So I woke up and went into my house, really tired, but overall relaxed. So yea, that's how it all happened.

What? Oh.. right, that's the *end*.

*rewind*

This weekend was wonderful. After thanksgiving thursday night at the Taylor Residence. I had dreams of headless turkeys chasing me and trying to eat ME. Well... no.. i didn't really, but if you think about it, eating that much turkey would give anyone those kind of nightmares afterward.

Friday, as planned a month or so in advance with my friend Jeff, we made a bee-line to his beach house at Ocean City Maryland. The trip was long, but it was nothing to complain about (nothing to cheer about either though). Ocean City is really a relaxing place. Jeff said that in the summer time, as many as 50,000 tourists come to the clean and crisp beaches to relax, chill, and bury people in the sand. But during this thanksgiving weekend, there were maybe only a few thousand people around.

And let me tell you, being isolated in such a lightly populated area is very very relaxing. Since the beach house is well... on the beach.. duh.. the sound of the ocean and the waves gently caressing the sands set up a really calm and stress free atmosphere. A sharp contradiction to the bustly city limits of Washington DC.

But of course, we ruined it all by going to a party where we drank, played drinking games, drank some more, threw things off a really tall hotel building... and just generally pretended to be college kids... oh wait.. we weren't pretending.

The next day... rinse repeat... yea, we also went to an expensive 30 dollar all you can eat seafood buffet.. that was well worth it.

That night, we went to sleep at 5 am, and woke up at 11 am to prepare for the drive home. We didn't head out until 3 pm. All I know is that I fell sleep for most of the trip... The next thing i remember, the car stopped and people are implying to me i should get up and get out.

*See top for end of story*

Thanksgiving is a time of praise... a time to be with family. A time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to sing, a time to get high. (there is a season, turn turn turn). It's a time to give and receive, a time to get presents, and a time to praise the birth of.... oh wait.. .that's CHRISTMAS... let me try again...

Thanksgiving is a time of praise... a time to be with family. A time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to sing, a time to get high. (there is a season, turn turn turn). It's a time to give and receive. A time for a break in college after your first 3 months of being on your own, in a stress filled world of hell. (having fun yet, freshman?), and most importantly, a time set aside for you to give thanks.

So here it is, the pure, unadulterated, slightly ¿MyStiFieD? version of things I want to give thanks for.

Thanks you so much for a mom like mine.
Thanks for loving friends who support me without a second thought.
Thanks for giving me the chance to start over in Maryland.
Thanks for a job that is relaxing, and not at all like a job.
Thanks for my car.
Thanks for letting an almost tragedy become just a learning lesson.
Thanks for not letting the little thing in life bring me down.
Thanks for letting the other little things in life cheer me up.
Thank you for everything and so much more, since i've probably forgotten alot of things off the top of my head.

As always, thanks to everyone who reads about my life... have a happy happy thanksgiving.

And don't forget... What are YOU thanksful for?

If you know me, then you know that I always say it's the little things in life that make life worth living. Today was no exception. Remember, for most of my life, I lived in apartments, in a run down, slighty disheveled, and almost ghetto area, filled with wiggers, wanna be gangsters and everything inbetween.

While nearing the end of the road of my neighborhood on my daily drive to work, a guy walking his dog waved a friendly hello to me. I was caught so offguard, I almost didn't wave back. But i smiled, content with waking up to such generous hospitality. It is not everyday that you can be proud of living in a community where you can say that everyone in the neighborhood is curtious enough to wave you off to work in the morning.

It is from these little things that friendship tends to bloom. It is that one little seed which stems a start of a blooming relationship. ... I can't believe i just used a flower analogy.

Alright, i'm going to end it there. Happy Thanksgiving. And I sure give thanks for my friendly living atmosphere.

I've come to realize, that when you write a personal journal online, it is no where NEAR personal. You tend to pick and choose what you would rather people see about your life, and therefore, averting the truth from people's eyes. It comes to the point where the journal is so subjective that readers will see a different life then the one you really live.

There is no possible way I could tell you everything about my life. Hell, people i KNOW read this (who ARE you anyway?). For example, if i'm attracted to some girl, I couldn't possibly say it, because I don't really like to talk about my love life.. because I think people still aren't mature enough to handle it (so and so sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G...). And, what if i think some girl likes me? I couldn't possilby say it either, because I might be completely wrong, and it might embarrass both of us.

So now, without further ado... I bring you the censored, cut, and slightly ¿MyStiFieD? version of my weekend.
Went back to jersey.
Met up with my loving girl Maree.
Dyed my hair while the rest of the crew went to a gang fight (7 on 10, we won with 7.. no other details really necessary).
Played doctor with the crew and patched people up.
Went to some whacked out party after Highschool's homecoming.
Took over 70 pics and two video clips with all my friends.
Yup, that's about it.

And remember everyone, drive fast, so that if you hit someone, they really won't have time to see you.

This week has been a really weird week for me... I almost want to say that I've never been happier... but I can't. I feel like I can't let myself, because something will go wrong and ruin it for me. Something always does. My life is like a Ferris Wheel... Just when I feel like I've reached the top.. and I have the best view in the world... I start to go back down again. Then, there are the times, when the ferris wheel stops to let more people in.. and you're just hanging there... If it were at the top.. it would be best... But I never get to stop at the top.

I met this girl.. and she's adorable. When she talks... all i want to do is listen, to sit there and close my eyes... and just... listen. It's weird... I never felt that way... I always wanted to be heard.. to let others know who I am and what i do... but no.. not her. She makes me feel different.

But it feels like the calm before the storm... though my body and spirit are relaxed... My mind is going crazy... too many thoughts.. not enough braincells... I feel overloaded.. Great.. more white hairs. I don't need anymore white hairs.

So there is nothing left to say, but to let fate pull my chain and tell me where to go. The ferris wheel is rising fast... There's only two possibilities after that.

Ug ug.. back at work again... nothing to do at all.. even though I did spend some time typing an email to this racing company that makes turbo systems for my eclipse. I'm hoping that my email was written well enough to convince them to give me some sort of sponsorship. I'd love them forever.

Other then that, my day just begun. Still being bored... still don't know what to do.

So is the cubicle of boredom.

Next weekend, i'll be going home to Jersey... probably end up in philly somehow and go clubbing... I always do.

My weekend was an interesting one. Here's the breakdown, day by day.

Friday: Clubbing. I don't want to talk about it. It was horrible.. the DJ sucked harder then a hoover on a nuclear supercharger.

Saturday: I saw Monsters Inc with my extended family... at the risk of sounding gay and unmanly... the little girl in the movie was soooo adoribly cute.. it almost made me want to have children... but then again.. i probably would have killed it.. if i were the protagonist. Also, i watched this italian horror movie called Suspiria... it was supposedly the most horrid movie of it's time... and well.. it didn't dissapoint... i won't ruin the movie.. but it's definately a must rent.

Sunday: I couldn't sleep much at night.. and i woke up really early... before noon.. and that, my friend, for me is really early. My friend/co-worker/classmate called me shortly after i woke up... seems that he couldn't sleep either... so we met up and went to taco bell.. we then went to the mall and I went to banana republic to check out this overcoat that I really wanted... it's 195 dollars... and guess what? that's 195 dollars too much. I left the mall empty handed and my wallet feeling glad I didn't beat it out of it's money. At night, we decided to go on an "adventure". An adventure by my friend's standards is to drive around maryland, looking for dark deserted places to set off fireworks... it was a thrill.. and a chill.. cuz it was friggin COLD outside.

Tomorrow: I have a day off from work because of veteran's day... i love the perks of working for the government. =D

Every day is something i probably won't remember. Every weekend is something new. And every once and a while, I get up on my feet and accomplish something so wonderful, so awesome, that I startle even myself.

Too bad that didn't happen this particular weekend.

But, I did accomplish one of my short term goals that I thought I'd never do. There is this girl who works at the jewelry store at the mall. Since I always see her, it's been one of those curiousity things where i'd wonder what it would be like to talk to her. I never do, because she works with this guy, and he seems like he's a relative... possibly a father or an uncle. Well, this weekend, I saw her alone at the mall, and well, i couldn't pass up my chance.

Nothing happened though. I just said hi, and well, the rest was just fluff talk to try to come up with something substantial to say.. but in my nervousness, I couldn't think of anything. I left the conversation with little ground gained, and only a name and a smiling face to remember.

But it was fun, mostly because I accomplished something that I wanted to do. I'm a little upset that I could have handled it better, but hey, you can't ask for too much.